Do you ever wonder?

As an individual who has struggled with her weight her entire life, I always wonder if the fight will ever get easier. Yes, I was the girl who ran her ass off, played every sport, yet still got the comments "did you see her shake when she fell" of course referring to my ass shaking upon the impact with the ground. I used to love sports, and I still do, but the weight has become a problem for my knees and back. It's not easy carrying around an entire person when your legs and back are only meant to carry around one.

I don't think I have ever had the "ah ha" moment that so many people struggling with their weight have had. I've seen pictures of myself and I know just how fat I am - and my fat I mean I carry around 120 pounds more than I should. I see the size of my pants every single time I have to put them on - I've held them up and know just how large they are ... yet that "ah ha" moment has eluded me. Perhaps if I had one, my motivation would change. Wouldn't it be nice if it was actually that easy?!?

I have done just about every diet program in the book, from the cookie diet to the master cleanse, from nutrisystem to weight watchers and nothing has worked for the long term. Why is that? I know the reason why, and it has everything to do with me.

I remember a time when I busted my ass to lose a ton of weight in a short period of time. I ran five miles a day, spent nights in a sauna and voila the weight disappeared. But low and behold, look what happened when the sauna sessions stopped and I actually ate food - you guessed it, the weight piled back on and ruined my life.

There was another time when I again starved myself and lost a ton of weight, we're talking at least 60 pounds, but it was never for me. I wasn't the driving force behind the loss and when the motivation for losing the weight was no longer interested, the weight came back and then some (plus some more). Since that time I have hovered at the gained weight for approximately five years, and I am oh so tired of my body falling apart.

I love to walk, yet walking does nothing for me. I have always wondered why that is - you always hear about walking to lose weight or to sustain weight loss, but for me, it hasn't been near enough. In order for this battled and bruised body to actually lose weight it will take a hell of a lot more than simply walking - it is going to take some hard-core ass-kicking. Am I capable of doing it this time - for my own body's sake? Or will this be another epic failure?

If it is another epic failure, what does that make me? Am I just ill-equipped to be able to handle this challenge? I always thought I was up for any challenge that was thrown at me. I have high expectations for myself and I LOVE outdoor activities. Hiking and mountaineering are my passions, yet I find they are not enough. Oh, perhaps this time around I will find the self-desire and power to actually change my life so that I can be around in about five years.

Only time will tell ...