Interesting trip

Well, I recently found myself on an airplane again, and since the airline was X (keeping it quiet) I was anxious to get on and find a suitable seat. For me, with X, a suitable seat is one on the right side of the plane next to the window. Why you ask? Well, for starters the buckles on X's flights have the funky buckles, with the little two prongs that you have to get in just right to make it snap. When you are fat like me, it is more of a challenge to get those darn little things to snap into place since you have to pull and push everything to even get it close to snapping into place. So, why do I like the seats next to the window? Since my ass takes up the entire seat, it is easier to pull the lap-belt through and have it resting - instead of snapping - when you have a window to hide your enormity and the lack of clasping.

I am sure some are gasping, oh my, no seat belt ... yeah, I know. When it gets nice and bumpy, I make the extra effort of pushing back on my seat so that I can pull the belt over just that little bit extra to make it snap. On other airlines I don't seem to have a problem because they don't have the dual-prong adapter ... but X, I hate your belts. They are not fat-friendly devices. But then again, what in this world is fat-friendly other than the "crap" (notice I say crap and not food, because food would actually imply some nutrients whereas crap is nothing but empty calories that we like to make excuses for) we continue to push down our gullet on a daily basis?

My trip was interesting - learning a new city and trying to find a place to live. It's not easy moving somewhere when you know you are going to be the fattest person around. I can always feel the eyes on me whenever I go places and it can be unnerving, but then again I have learned to deal with it as a part of my life - my fat life. I had a reality check today when I woke up with numbness, yet again, all down my arms and today it took more than double my normal "come back to life" time. It got me worried and I know, I mean I know, that I have to make a change in my life and learn to be better to myself and whip my ass into shape. But, then again I always follow that with the same question ... will I just allow myself to fall back into this trap yet again? or will this time be different, for me?

I don't know how I let myself get like this. Let me rephrase. I KNOW how I let myself get like this, but I don't "know" how I let myself get like this. I have been consciously aware of my ever-expanding waistline, yet I seem content with the idea of edging closer to 300 pounds because I continue to consciously shove everything I can down my throat when I start to feel bad about myself. Let's just say I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and I will have to really try to rectify that outrageous wrong. Perhaps it will be easier when I actually live close to an actual grocery store instead of a Walgreens? We all know how wonderfully healthy Walgreens' food can be, don't we.

I need to learn to take my own advice and not eat my feelings. We shall see if that will ever come to be . . .